Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
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I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Sharon I have some bad news
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.