The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
me as a parent
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee