The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
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Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs