food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”