I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
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It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed