doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No