Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
why isn’t thunder called soundning
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 馃榾
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i鈥檓 feeling ok
therapist: great! let鈥檚 ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF鈥檈r won鈥檛 stop bringing me cans of soup.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops