They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
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[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[at the general store]
me: one general please
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.