Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.