So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?