Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
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Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
why isn’t thunder called soundning
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*