My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
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[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.