[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.