And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”