Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function