Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
i was baptized in a car wash
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”