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My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Here’s a meme
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)