“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
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Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*