Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.