I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
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ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Okey dokey.
Stonehinge
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.