*serious situation*
My brain:
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.