Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.