Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
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Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Just a bush.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.