I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Me :
All Day At Night
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.