wishing you and yours all the best
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There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?