Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
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That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
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Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Wait a minute…
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.