Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Growing out my freckles.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Matt Goss
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.