Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
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I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Doggies just call it style.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.