My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
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[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
My dad teaching me to drive
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me