ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
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The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”