America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.