[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
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“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Bobby pin
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax