Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.