Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
The struggle is real
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards