*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.