*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
Flowers bee like
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
You learn something every day
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
plant them where lol
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I think I’ll stand