Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
That lamp looks PISSED.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist