Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
You Might Also Like
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
me irl
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”