Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.