i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
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My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
sleeping beauty
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”