DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
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A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I think I’m having a stroke
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.