[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
can’t believe I got front row seats
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
*watches the world burn*
this came to me in a vision
work smarter, not harder
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.