My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Inside you there are two wolves
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.