4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.