Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Don’t we all.
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend