Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
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I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.