20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
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my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”