Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
You Might Also Like
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Pretty much. 🤣
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.