To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch