In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
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I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy